November 2019 - Welsh-Cooper

Andrew Welsh is 26, James Cooper is 21. (Claudia Russo is 23, Micah Knight is 26.)

It's not like James hasn't gotten over Coco. It's been two years already, and he's doing just fine. He's been with other girls – or at least slept with them. Most of them are just random hookups, girls he meets at bars and later takes back to his place. He never calls them again, even though they almost beg him to. They're just blurry memories, just faces among the crowd, without names.

He can't remember the name of this one, who gently caresses his chest with her fingertips and looks him in the eyes with a sleepy smile on her face.
“What are you thinking about?” she asks him.
“Nothing”, he says, maybe coldly, but he doesn't really care. He hates it when they get all affectionate on him – it's just sex. He doesn't want anything else from them, and the truth is – it's the only thing he has to offer.

The days go by like seconds. He gets up, goes to work, and falls asleep once again. He knows this isn't the life he wanted – he wanted to be something. And currently, he's nothing. He has a job that only barely pays his bills and it really is a miracle he ever made it through high school. He feels like a failure.

“Where are you going, man?” Andrew asks him.
“Work”, he says. They've been roommates for two years, and they both know exactly where he's going.

Andrew takes care of the cleaning, and James takes care of the – well, he doesn't really take care of anything. He just pays his half of the rent, and maybe sometimes fixes a broken dishwasher. It isn't a fair system, but neither of them feels the need to complain.

James isn't lazy – cleaning just isn't his first priority in this life. His room is mostly messy, sometimes even repugnant. There are piles of clothes all over the floor, and he never makes his bed. Sometimes Andrew does it, but James can't even begin to understand why.

His room pretty much represents himself. He's a mess, and he has been for some time now. It isn't who he really is, but unfortunately, it seems like there's no way around.

One night, they both sit down at the table and James clears his throat.
“I've been thinking about starting to work out again.”
“That's great, man”, Andrew says. “You've been a little down lately. Is everything okay?”
“Yeah”, James says, trying to sound carefree. “Things have just been a little rough at work lately.”
“Oh yeah?” Andrew seems interested, but James knows he really isn't. He doesn't know what it's like to have a real job – he just plays soccer.

It's something all the boys dream of when they're little – being able to earn their living by playing a sport. It had been James' dream, as well, but then he had grown up and the reality had punched him straight in the face. It just wasn't possible. In the end, all those little boys needed to find themselves real jobs.

Except for Andrew, of course.

The next morning, they go for a jog. James hasn't been doing any exercise for a long time, but he keeps up with Andrew easily. It's kind of amazing, actually – how he can hear the cool morning breeze whispering in his ears, and how he feels like he can't stop, not even for a minute. He just wants to move forward, faster and faster.

He's really missed this. He's missed the feeling of getting out of breath and being able to listen to his own heartbeat.

Later that day, they go to shoot some hoops at a nearby park. This is where James used to go almost every day a few years ago.

They invited Micah to come with them. He is a nice guy, a former roommate of theirs, who nowadays works with James at the car repair shop. He used to go to college with Andrew, so the two of them have known each other for a long time. Micah got married last year, to a girl named Celeste, and they live in a small row house just across the street from the park.

James is definitely friends with Micah, but he can't help but feel a little awkward around him. He knows Micah's wife had a miscarriage about a year ago. James can't exactly relate to him – that's why he never comes up with anything comforting to say. Andrew, on the other hand, always seems to find all the right words. Maybe it is just due to the fact that Andrew happens to be in a real relationship; not just fucking some random girls every now and then, like James.

Being with Coco was the closest he's ever been to being in a relationship. They were best friends, but they also had sex. It was good, better than with any of the other girls. But she left him, and he still doesn't know why. One day, she just showed up at his workplace and asked him if they could talk.

“In private”, she had said.

He still remembers the day like it was yesterday. Coco had parked her dad's car on the side of the road and her little sister was waiting inside.

“Cristina, sweetie, do you see those big, colorful vending machines over there?” she had said to the little girl. “Go buy some bubble gum. I'll give you some coins.”

She had sat down in the front seat and invited him in.

“Look, James.” She had dragged out every single one of her words, as if she had wanted to hurt him as much as possible. “I think we should end this.”

He hadn't understood it – what was the reason behind all this? They had just slept together last weekend and everything had seemed more than perfect. She had been happy, and she had told him how much much she loved him. They had gone to the beach, camping, and they hadn't slept at all. They had talked, they had talked about everything, about their dreams, about their fears, about their pasts. He had told her about his dead mother, and she had listened.

James never understood what had gone wrong. He had lost his faith.

That's why he can't even begin to imagine what Micah's going through right now. He just can't believe there are still people out there who actually trust each other enough to get married.

“We should do this again sometime”, Andrew suggests after a brutal match of basketball.
“Definitely”, Micah says.
“I can't believe you were so bad”, James says to Andrew.
“Well what can I say? I play soccer, I don't have to be good at everything.”
“Yeah, but you sucked”, Micah laughs.

Chicago Pizza is probably their favorite place to gather. Everyone is busy with their work and everyday routines, but they do manage to go out almost every Friday.

The food is great and – most importantly – very affordable. They sit down at one of the tables placed in the farthest corner of the restaurant.

Andrew brought his girlfriend along – they rarely stay apart from each other now that she has moved back to Bristol Bay. She's okay, but maybe talks too much.

Andrew is very much smitten with her, everyone can tell. His life has always been so easy and drama-free – after all, he did get the girl he'd dated back in high school. Being apart for so long wasn't easy for them, but they made it through. Now they seem to be going stronger than ever.

She babbles blithely, and occasionally gives them the opportunity to open their mouths.

She's their friend's girlfriend, so they can't really say anything. They just keep smiling, nod their heads and say things like: “Yes”, “Oh really?” and “mhm”.

She reminds him of Coco. Not because of her character, but her appearance. After all, they are sisters. Her face might be a little narrower and her hair not so curly, but there are some similarities, as well. The real difference is in their eyes. Coco's eyes are much warmer, much darker, like coffee.

The way she looks at Andrew, playful, flirtatious, reminds him even more of Coco. She used to look at him like that.

James and Micah remain silent, while Andrew and Claudia focus only on each others.

“I'm gonna go smoke a cigarette”, James says, but feels like no-one listens.

It's not cold, but it isn't warm either. He doesn't know what time it is, but the sky has already turned black. He spends a while looking for a lighter, until he finally finds it in one of the pockets of his jeans. He places the filtered end of the cigarette between his lips and lights it.

He doesn't even know why he started smoking. Now that he thinks about it, it was a stupid thing to do. He was 19, already an adult, and there was no social pressure. He guesses it was an attempt to mediate stress, or something. Or maybe it just fit his new image.

James doesn't even know himself anymore. Who is he? What does he want from life? Where is he going? What is he doing?

He wishes there were someone to answer all of his questions. He needs someone to tell him what to do. He needs someone to bring back the old James, the guy who used to be funny and a good athlete. He looks down at his cigarette, and realizes it might be too late already.

He can hear someone pushing the door open, and stopping right next to him. There is a light breeze of a vanilla scent perfume, and he can hear her breathing.

“Did you hear about what happened?”

He tilts his head only a little, just to make sure it really is her.

“What are you talking about?” he asks. She looks away before she answers.
“I'm talking about your sister. And mine.”

He inhales and allows the smoke to flow smoothly into his lungs. He notices how even the mere mention of his ex-girlfriend forces his heart to skip a beat.
“What about them?”
“They're no talking to each other.”
“They're girls.” He holds the smoke in his mouth for a second before inhaling. “It happens all the time. It's normal.”
“It's not normal.” She bends her head towards him, and he can feel her eyes boring their way into his mind.

It almost feels like she's accusing him of something, although they both know that's not what it is.
“What happened, then?” he asks, even though he isn't quite certain whether or not he even wants to know. He's been trying to forget about this girl, and suddenly she's working her way back into his head, once again.
“Coco did something bad.”

He decides he doesn't want to know. But at the same time, he worries about his sister.
“How is she?”
“Who?”

He still doesn't look at her.
“I don't know.” He sighs. “Both of them.”

“I don't know. Maybe you should call her.”

She turns around, and goes back inside.

“Or both of them”, he can hear her saying before the hefty door closes behind her.

He doesn't want to go inside. He needs a moment alone, he needs a moment to sort all the thoughts that are running through his brain right now. He lights another cigarette, and exhales a large cloud of smoke into the fresh, autumnal night.

The door opens again, but this time, he looks. It's just a glance, but he manages to see it's not somebody he knows. It's a girl, a blonde one, who's wearing a red jacket and some really tight jeans. She looks good, and now James thinks he might actually even recognize her. He looks again, very quickly – he doesn't want to get caught. He knows the girl, or technically he doesn't, but he knows where she works. He's seen her before, at the gas station.

“Was that your girlfriend?”
It was so sudden – he cringed as he realized she was actually talking to him. Her voice is soft, but not very high. He doesn't move his head, but he smiles a little as he says: “She most definitely wasn't.”
“Oh”, she says. He isn't able to interpret her tone. “She seemed kind of pissed”, she later adds.

She turns to face him with only one subtle movement and opens her mouth; her milk-white teeth almost blind him.
“You must have said something to her.”
“I didn't.” He shrugs, but the corners of his mouth twitch in the attempt to repress a smile. “She actually handled most of the talking.”
“Yeah, that's what we girls normally do.” She's definitely smiling, before she releases a trickling laugh.

“I'm Whitney.” She almost touches his chest, but pulls her hand away just in time.
“James.”
“Hi, James.” Her voice is bubbly, and her green eyes sparkle. “Aren't you cold?”
“Not really.” He can't resist smiling.

She looks at him attentively, and then says: “You know smoking isn't good for you.”
“Yeah.” He sneers. “I do know that.”
“Then why do you smoke?”
“I don't know.” He sighs briefly. “I guess I'm an idiot.”

They both turn around a little to see a red car pulling over on the side of the road.
“You don't seem like an idiot to me”, she giggles. She waves at the driver and takes a few steps towards the car. Then, she stops. “That's my ride. Maybe I'll see you again.”
Maybe he's imagining it, but she sounds hopeful.
“Yeah”, he answers with a smile. “Maybe.”

He goes back inside, and sees his three friends standing in front of the counter. He then joins them, in attempt to appear normal.


~~~~~

He can't get Claudia's words out of his mind. He tries to not think about them for a while, but eventually they always manage to find their way back into his thoughts. In the end, he has to give in. He sits down in his bed and grabs his cellphone. He dials his sister's number, and waits.
“James?”
“Hi, Jess.” His voice is hesitant, almost nervous. “How are you?”
“I'm okay.” She sounds more quiet and timid than usual.
“You sure?”

There is a moment of silence. She breathes uneasily on the other end of the line.
“What's this all about?” she finally says.
“I don't know.” He feels like an idiot, interfering in his sister's life while she's away at college. They're grown-ups now, not children anymore. “Claudia told me to call you.”
“She did? Why?” They both know why.

“She seems to be under the impression that you and”, he takes a little break before mentioning the name, “Coco aren't talking to each other anymore.”
“Well, she's not wrong.” She tries to sound unconcerned, but he knows his sister. Just by hearing her voice he can imagine the current expression on her face, or the thoughts that are running through her mind right now. But they both know he doesn't want to go there – he doesn't want to know all the details. The way his voice shivered at mentioning her name made it very clear that he isn't ready. That's why he decides to leave it there.
“You sure you're okay?” he repeats his question.

“Yeah.” He knows she's forcing a smile on her face, just to make sure her voice sounds as convincing as possible. “Don't worry about me, James.” It's what she always says. She takes a deep breath, and intentionally changes the subject: “How's work?”

They finish the phone call, and he remains paralyzed for a minute. He squints his eyes, Claudia's words echoing inside his head.
“You should call her. Or both of them.”

He hasn't talked to Coco in two years. She hasn't called him, nor has she – presumably - been showing any signs of repentance. Why should he be the one to make an effort?

In his heart, he knows how much he still loves her. But he's fighting against it, he's denying the feeling – that way, maybe one day he'll stop loving. There is a certain emptiness in his heart, and he knows it might never be fulfilled the same way again.

He knows her phone number by heart. He once dials it, and then backs off in the last minute. Instead, he dials another number and presses the cellphone close to his ear.

“Texaco Gas Station.”
He recognizes her voice, friendly and alive. And the name – this time he remembers it.
“Whitney? Is that you?”

“Um, yes.”
“It's James”, he says before he realizes she most probably knows a bunch of other guys who share a name with him. Then he gulps – there is also the possibility of her not remembering him, at all. “You know,the guy who – I mean, we met the other night.”

“What? James?” She sounds incredulous. Then, she bursts into a laughter. “What are you, stalking me?”
He sighs out of relief. “I guess so.”

“Well this is a surprise”, she says with enthusiasm.
“Yeah, I know.” He takes a deep breath before he continues, trying to sound confident: “Listen – would you like to go out with me some time?”

She contemplates for a minute, almost enjoying the power she has now been given.
“Sure”, she finally says. “Sounds great.”


~~~~~